


change

by Anonymous



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Coming Out, Late Night Conversations, Lee Donghyuck | Haechan is a Good Friend, Light Angst, Multi, Park Jisung (NCT) Needs a Hug
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-16
Updated: 2021-03-16
Packaged: 2021-03-25 00:08:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,549
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30080445
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: "I am who I am. I'm Jisung and that's fine. That's all I have to give to anyone."
Relationships: Lee Donghyuck | Haechan & Park Jisung
Kudos: 11
Collections: Anonymous





	change

Jisung sat at his desk, crossed his legs, and leaned back. In his hands, he twirled an elegant fountain pen as his gaze found its way into the night that settled over the world outside the window. It was quiet in his room; behind him, he could hear Renjun's deep, regular breaths. It had been a hard day, dance practice from sunrise to sunset, and everyone had collapsed into bed dead tired. Actually, Jisung should have been asleep for two hours by now. He would regret it tomorrow. But the two liters of Coke he had downed in no time had put all his nerve endings on high alert.

He longed to sleep. But he couldn't. For it was there again, that awful feeling. It had crept into his chest over the last few days, inflated like a balloon that would soon burst and rip his insides apart if he didn't figure out what was wrong with him quickly. 

No, that was a lie. He knew what was bothering him so much. Jisung had been running from this feeling for so long that now he was once again surrounded. He had stumbled and that had been enough for the monster to catch up to him. One small mistake and the progress of weeks had been shattered.

Sighing softly, the ink hovered a breath above the white paper. A drop slid down and a black flower bloomed. 

His phone lit up. A new message from Donghyuck. Jisung felt a twinge in the pit of his stomach, guilt. He had been ignoring Donghyuck for the past few days, usually, he was one of the two people he texted every day. It was wrong to keep pushing Donghyuck away. With each day he waited, the gap would get bigger and harder to close. 

Gingerly, he put down his pen and picked up his phone. 

Deep inside him, the courage he had sought for so long sprouted. As if his mind had already made the decision for him. He was tired of it. Of everything. 

He decided to call Donghyuck. Soundlessly, Jisung got up and tiptoed out of the room, closing the door behind him. His legs carried him to the kitchen, where he first poured himself a glass of milk and dialed Donghyuck's number with trembling fingers. He knew he was ready for the next big step, but he was terrified of it. Still, he had to do it. And he knew his friends would support him. He could no longer shoulder this secret he'd only told Donghyuck about all by himself. He wanted to be free. To be able to breathe. To be himself without all the lies hanging like weights on his heartstrings.

Donghyuck immediately picked up.

_"Jisungie! How are you, baby? I miss you!"_

Jisung smiled as soon as he heard Donghyuck's familiar voice, and his shoulders relaxed. Right. Donghyuck knew the real him. Knew his darker side as well, and loved him for all his rough edges. Donghyuck had been the first person he'd honestly told what was bothering him, and it had been the best decision he'd ever made. Donghyuck had taken away some of his shadows and Jisung had finally begun to fill his days with more life.

"I miss you too, Hyung. I'm fine." With that, Jisung broke, the dam bursting and the words pouring out of him unstoppably.

"I'm thinking about my past. And I'm thinking about finally talking to my parents." He paused as his hand gripped his shirt tightly, just above his heart. "It's such a hard decision." A pause. "I've been trying to write it all down, all the garbage from the last few years. I... I should talk to them. I think I'm ready, and I can-" His voice cracked, Donghyuck fell silent. He waited. Jisung took a deep breath. "-I can't shoulder my lies alone anymore. I can't take it anymore. Oh shit." He ruffled his hair, a pathetic smile playing around the corners of his lips. "Life isn't easy. I should start writing my memoirs, huh?"

It took a moment for Donghyuck to reply. _"Oh damn, Jisung. It really sounds like you're at a point where it's not easy."_

Jisung nodded. "I'm not super miserable but I can't and won't do this anymore."

_"Jisungie. As hard as it may be to say it out loud, hopefully, you'll feel better afterward."_

"I think I've thought about everything enough to be able to handle their reactions."

_"I understand - it weighs on your soul. If you can't be honest."_

Jisung nodded. "My mother always completely misinterprets my behavior, and that doesn't make it any better."

_"That's very brave of you, and I hope his parents will have the proper understanding."_

"My mother knows I was different even as a child. She just refuses to acknowledge the truth." He closed his eyes as they stung. But he didn't want to cry. "I'm so scared. But it would be the biggest relief in my life." He broke off. "Mostly because I know I'll be able to handle it better." His eyes flicked to the clock. Three o'clock in the morning. He should be asleep by now. "I'm sorry I didn't get back to you sooner. I've had to come to this decision in the last few days because ... I've been treading water for a year, and I think I need this step to make a change."

_"The burden will be lighter already because you won't have to hide anything anymore, Jisung. If that makes sense. If you feel like it's the right thing to do, then you should definitely do it."_

Jisung wanted to shut the world out. He wanted to let it back into his heart. "I'm going through with this," he whispered. 

_"That's really fucking brave."_

"I'm just more in control of it, and I know I won't be as messed up as I was then because I'm not lying to myself anymore. I am who I am. I'm Jisung and that's fine. That's all I have to give to anyone."

_"I'm very proud of you, Jisung. It sounds nice and it feels like progress, and I'm very happy for you."_

Again, Jisung smiled as his heart warmed. "I thank you, Hyung. And I also want to tell you that you've helped me a lot in this regard." Honest words.

_"It's good that you took the time, and it's nice that you feel ready now."_

"I'm tired of being stuck while everyone else passes me by. It's frustrating."

_"I didn't think of it that way. But I'm glad I could help. I know what you mean."_

"I hold myself back by not allowing myself to have relationships because I think I'm still too broken. That's stupid because it's relationships that help you move on."

_"I think you have to get that feeling first, so you can allow change, too." He paused for a moment. "You have to get over yourself. Too many people shy away from that, while you can be really proud of yourself."_

A sad laugh escaped from Jisung's throat. "I was going to write a list of all the bad stops in my life. So far, I've come up with forty-eight."

_"You're welcome to send it to me if you want."_

"If you really want to read it, I'd be happy to."

_"I'm always here if you need support, Jisung."_

"Guilt is my favorite word." Jisung sighed. He was so confused. He wanted to laugh and cry simultaneously. But the tears didn't come, just shaky giggles as if he had lost his mind.

_"I figured something was bothering you, but I wanted to give you your space."_

"It's okay, I don't expect anything from anyone. That was the right thing to do, Hyung. Thank you."

_"Sometimes it's not easy, and that's okay. You're strong or you wouldn't be where you are now."_

"I want to be myself again. I thought about what Taeyong-Hyung said the other day." He began nervously picking at the hem of his shirt. "Every worry pricks your heart like a needle, and over time you change. It's good to talk and ask your friends for help."

_"It makes life better to get away a little from the expectations other people have of you and the standards you have to live up to."_

"That's true."

_"The stupid thing is, you have to come to that wisdom yourself. No matter how many times others tell you to do it, it doesn't help you. You have to be willing to do it yourself."_

"You can't force your help on someone who doesn't want help. I know that."

_"I'm sending you a hug, Jisungie."_

"Thank you. Honestly, thank you. Thank you for listening to me. Thank you for your kind words. Thank you for being a positive influence on me all this time."

_"I like doing this because I like you."_

"That's cool."

_"Don't make me cry, Park Jisung."_

Jisung laughed, an honest laugh. "No matter how alone I felt, you were there. Always. Thank you for just existing."

_"I love you, Jisungie. You should be proud of yourself. I'm glad to have you as a friend."_

"Thank you, hyung. I love you too." He chuckled. "Now I feel all warm again, I'll sleep well tonight. Thank you."


End file.
